Optimize for being respected, not liked.

Optimize for being respected, not being liked, because over time if people respect you they will come to like you.

A principle I developed at a young age is around respect. That you should optimize for being respected for who you are, not being liked, because over time if people respect you they will come to like you.

Popularity, notoriety or being cool is fleeting. It's less durable. Because at the core of every relationship is respect. Respect is something you earn and a function of your character. Character is a reflection of your principles, your backbone.

You must consistently show people, through your actions and habits, who you are and what those values are. People respect and gravitate toward those who are honest, direct and live their values even if they don't fully match up with theirs.

Growing up I had a period from 1st to 5th grade where I was struggling. I did not have consistent male figures in my life or much confidence and direction until I got deeper into athletics.

During that time I was starving for attention, friends, connection, etc. So like many kids I acted out – did dumb things in the classroom, got in fights and overall acted out of character in pursuit of validation from kids in school or the neighborhood.

What I started to see was the most secure young kids around me were not reaching. They were often more quiet and consistent as opposed to acting out. Not surprisingly those kids came from stronger family dynamics.

I started to realize my own respect for them was actually a function of my respect for their consistent qualities. And by this point I'd been let down many times by the false connections and friendships I formed out of attention seeking behavior.

It became very clear to me, from a young age, that I was in my power if I followed no one; did the right things; and beat to the tune of my own drum then I would be respected and eventually liked.

To a degree it was a form of detachment but as someone very introverted it was comfortable and brought me peace. I realized the connections I wanted were actually much deeper.

So much about connection is about trust, vulnerability and showing people who you are. I naturally gravitated toward competitive environments so my early friendships came our of sports, the neighborhood, etc.

I think the reality is that you need to either have very long periods of time with people to see who they truly are OR you can seek out environments that accelerate this by breaking them down.

There is no better arena than sports or business to see who people are because when the pressure is applied, the chips are down and times are hard...what choices will you make? Who will quit? Who will choose themselves over their team?

Certain environments reveal character quickly. This was important for me not only to assess who I thought had shared values but for me to make connections and show people who I was through my actions and choices and habits.

Early on, sports allowed me to make connections. These days, it's through work. Everyone on the front-end claims X, Y and Z. But putting people in situations that are physically demanding, potentially dangerous or just high-stress and high-stakes in a professional context reveals a lot about what someone stands for.

My approach to joining any new team, company or social circle is to default trust, gather information and demonstrate not just competence and bringing value but more than anything my character: hardest worker on the planet, urgent, people focused and a coach at heart, uncompromising on standards and willing to eat last every time.

So many different directions to take this but I wanted to drop some quick thoughts.

-Ai