Alcohol
I'm Adam and I'm an Alcoholic...
The classic opener if you're a friend of Bill's – a discreet way of saying you go to AA. Technically, I'm an alcoholic. Some of you might be surprised and others might be saying nah, that sounds about right.
My first drink was Dec 24 2007 and what I plan to be my last is Nov 07 2021. I'm approaching 1 year sober and free from alcohol. That's why I wanted to write this.
To be super clear: I was not a high frequency drinker, I was a high intensity drinker. I'd go many months without it at times or 2-3x a month on average. But I have a tendency to go 100mph with everything.
Over time it became detrimental to my health, finances and well-being. I'm fortunate that nothing bad happened to me or anyone else. So I'm writing this to reflect on Alcoholism, my drinking pattern, some thank yous, etc.
Alcohol(ism) 🍺 🥃
Tell someone you're not drinking. The immediate assumption is if it's not for religion you have a problem. So you're probably going to be consoled, then comes the apology and awkward "Why don't you drink?".
Assuming there is a problem is weird because why can't someone just be on point without a substance. Everyone knows, even 1-3 drinks throws you off your game in terms of sleep, energy, etc.
In my case I'm very comfortable being direct and saying I have a problem. I'm an open book about my drinking stories – good and bad – and I usually describe it as opening pandora's box...which can intrigue people to know what that looks like.
Alcohol is so ingrained and romanticized in popular culture and has been embedded in cultures for thousands of years. It's easy to make (barley + water) and in middle ages was often a safer/cleanlier mode of hydration.
Drinking brings people together. The magic of a few drinks to take the edge off and find connection is what brings you in. For a select group of degenerates though it can seep into your routines in a way that doesn't at first seem problematic.
Alcohol has the potential to slowly drag you out to sea and ruin you physically, mentally, financially, socially, professionally, etc. Even if you, like me, were low frequency high intensity drinker. The impact is long-tail, hard to see near-term.
Societal norms with drinking are out of wack. From my view, what's deemed normal is always having drinks available for social functions and binge drinking is ok. Most people match to their peer group, society, etc. to define healthy/normal.
My personal idea of an alcoholic was a Joe Dirt looking cat in Alabama rocking a beer gut, facing a handle of Jack and getting ready to beat his dog (or wife) at 10am on a Tuesday morning.
Most people are only labeled as an alcoholic if it's extreme. There is a clear & consequential physiological dependence on it. But even people who have multiple DUIs still continue to drink.
One of the big problems I see is that the culture of partying/binge drinking isn't healthy but doesn't seem to be problematic or consequential for many folks. But for the X% that try to match it, but have a problem, are underserved. The people who really don't understand, or accept, that they have a problem and spend years trying to self-manage it.
My Drinking Career 🪖🎖️
Jokingly I say I had a decorated career drinking; some 5 star general stuff. I have wild, dangerous, embarrassing and admittedly fun stories. A big part of this is realizing and admitting that I can't throttle back once I start.
I didn't start drinking until I was 17 because I lost my brother at 9 to an alcohol induced accident. It was one of the most defining moments of my life and watching my mom struggle was painful.
Slowly, I started to party in college in the offseason from sports. When I started my career in NYC it was the work hard play hard mentality 2-3 weekends a month. And by the time I got into startups I slowed down a lot, but intensity went up.
After years of telling myself I'd learn how to drink, letting myself and others down, I threw in the towel and went to AA for a few months down here in Miami to get some momentum. I've been sober since Nov 7, 2021 and feeling great.
Longer notes on my drinking career
I lost my older brother at 9 years old to an alcohol induced incident. To put it lightly, it rocked my family's world. I looked up to him a lot and he taught me how to tie my shoes, ride my bike and eat beef jerky. But the worst part was watching my Mom suffer through it, alone. I vowed never to put her, or my family, through that again. Life became more serious and that type of loss forces you to grow up.
The first sip I ever had was Christmas Eve 2007. I randomly decided to rip some wine, then Drew and Erik came over, and I woke up with a wine stained mattress. The second time had embarrassing results at my friend Mat's graduation party. A big factor that kept me from drinking in high school was my obsession with preparation for sports. I was maniacal about my training and nutrition. I didn't see great athletes getting drunk and doing dumb high school shit.
By the time I got to college that started to change. Even the best student-athletes did their jobs in the classroom and on the field then had a good time on weekends. I started to go out and adopt the work hard, play hard mentality. I was the classic binge drinker. But I rarely, maybe 3-4 times in my career, drank during the season. As a captain and leader I expected others to have a mostly dry season and actively policed the team to focus on the season. But in the offseason I'd party, sometimes Thursday to Sunday, then bounce back on Monday with a few adderall.
After school I moved back to NY to pursue professional ambitions. A fun & exciting time but NYC is the city that never sleeps (and always drinks). The perfect place for someone a lot of ambition, work ethic and a love of alcohol. From 2013 to 2017 in NYC I worked my ass off in consulting and partied hard 2-3 days per week. Rarely did my partying impact my work but I'd be lying if I said it didn't. By 2015 I was taking a lot of adderall, was under 200lbs for the 1st time since high school and had ran up credit card debt, got in fights and done a number of other embarrassing things.
In 2017 I started transitioning out of NYC & consulting and into startups. By January 2018 I moved to San Francisco. My drinking frequency was going down but the intensity grew. Work always came first. I was surrounded by some of the smartest folks on the planet, many of whom didn’t drink. So I kept my drinking separate from work and only on the weekends a few times a month. I remember running into a colleague at a bar on polk street right before - I was dancing with a girl and had toilet paper in my nostrils to stop a bloody nose. I remember waking up somewhere in the Mission in San Francisco and I'd been robbed of my shoes (Jordan Bred 11s), back-pack, wallet, etc.
During the 2020 pandemic I moved back to New York and would drink only occasionally. At one point I went 5 months without alcohol. But this is where I really started to see the intensity increase. Any chance to get out and socialize was really just a chance to drink. I started to notice that outside of work which was basically 110% of my time, I chose to spend my time with lower companions. By late 2020 the business I started with two former colleagues (Archive) was doing well, we'd closed funding and I was sick of living above my Mom's garage. When I moved to Miami the plan was to slow down but that didn't happen – dale.
After some fun, crazy and embarrassing events in Miami I knew I was done. In November 2021 I went to my first AA meeting. Looking back, I had fun – but I have many memories of things I'm not proud of. From street/bar fights, to embarrassing myself or friends, getting kicked out of places, etc. In a future post I can share more here. The material would probably make a movie
Why I Drank 🤔❓
Since 20 I've spent time in therapy for anger, anxiety and making sense of family dynamics. But therapy takes forever to make progress. Mushrooms helps: 2-3x per year I do a larger dose and occasionally micro-dose for 1-2 weeks at a time.
Macro-doses shine light on shadows & past traumas I distracted myself from. Micro-doses force me into the present when, even at 32, anxiety can at times leave me consumed by fear of the future if I'm not careful about managing it.
Therapy and mushrooms showed me I drank because it was an escape from reality and unprocessed pain & emotion. A way to be happy, find connection, etc.
Sports, hypergamy, accomplishment, and drinking had always been a way to distract and numb myself from anxiety, pain, people, etc. rather than doing the work required to process things in a healthy way.
My Drinking Pattern 📈📉
I look back and wonder why it took so long to quit. A part of me believed despite 40% of my nights out ending sub-optimally I'd learn how to control the alcohol throttle...but that never went as planned.
My career and commitments to family & close friends always came first. Drinking during the week or before a weekend where I planned to work was not an option. Had it not been for my ambitions and high expectations I'd have had a higher frequency of drinking. For most of my career, 75-80% of the time, I worked at least one day on the weekend. Any time I knew I was going to work the next day I would not drink. That right there is a problem. The only way I wanted to drink was 110%.
When I really look at it there are probably a few insights that answer the question.
- The epiphany of stumbling on how the brain of an alcoholic works;
- Long-tail consequences;
- It took me a long time to pin down / recognize my craving pattern.
The chart helped me understand my relationship to alcohol. Friends who drink socially with a health relationship to alcohol – have internal wiring which recognizes alcohol's point of diminishing returns where continuing to drink doesn't increase perceived benefit / euphoria. My brain always wanted more.
Consequences of my consumption were long-tail. I had hangovers and ran up a few big tabs. But it took years before I realized partying put me in debt, impacted relationships, etc. Short-term it's an easy escape. Long-run, it's bad.
My craving pattern seemed normal and harmless. I was highly functional professionally, competed in triathlons and didn't go out even half as much as my peers or colleagues. Over time I realized that at the end of each week I'd get a bit of an itch especially if it looked like I had a free weekend. Sort of like butterflies on Friday afternoon. And if I drank one weekend, the itch would build up bigger by the next Friday. I tend to be an extreme person and things come in bunches. Just like sex or sugar the more you have it the harder to wrangle the desire for it.
Why and How I Got Sober 🛑🚱
People always ask: what happened? what did you do? why did you get sober? Just like people assume you have a problem, they assume something crazy must have happened for you to get sober like a DUI, getting arrested, health scare, etc.
Thankfully, I had a high volume of small incidents and most of the consequences landed on my shoulders. My core reasons for getting sober were:
- I was sick & tired of letting myself down and feeling ball & chained to alcohol.
- I was sick & tired of letting friends and family down and having them worry.
- Alcohol was not creating the results that I wanted in my life.
The week I decided to get sober...
By 2016 I'd realized that, at minimum, partying was impacting my finances and definitely felt this ball & chain relationship because I needed it to relax/unwind – to slow my brain down and be present socially.
Erik was approaching ~2 years of sobriety and I'd talked a lot with him about his journey and slowing down. I tried Kava, mock-tails, O'Douls (lol), etc. I event went to a few AA meetings with Erik to see what they were about.
Previously I had tried the Oh, I'm not drinking tonight or I'll just have a few, I'm taking it easy...it never worked because I wasn't actually changing who I was. More on this in a bit.
Despite the support from key people like Noura, Erik and my Mom I continued to drink and couldn't really envision a world where I didn't. Even with support, it wasn't enough. I'd confide in them over the years about nights where I overdid it.
Fast forward to November of 2021. The week of Nov 1 I was in NYC with my business partners to close a 2nd seed round, meet with 2 key customers and spend time with our product lead from Ukraine.
By the weekend we had some things lined up. On Sat Nov 6 we had box seats to a UFC event @ MSG and then I met up with a good friend Ray to hit a popular club downtown called Noir – we turned up.
I woke up on Nov 7th still buzzed but trending toward hangover land fast. My goal was to get the hell out of the city and upstate to see my Mom for a few days before heading back to Miami.
As I dipped out of the hotel to get my taxi I ran into my colleague and his wife. People who I respected immensely and were heading back to Ukraine. Hugging them, I remember thinking they must smell the alcohol on me.
The cab ride to Penn Station was long & depressing. My train ride back home was longer and the anxiety was escalating. I knew that my saint of a mother would realize I was hungover and wouldn't be fully present with her.
So I laid in bed for most of the afternoon/evening to get ready for the busy work week coming. Doing so I decided, finally, that alcohol was simply doing nothing but negative things for my life.
It was a false cheat code for happiness, relaxation, a confidence boost, exciting nights out, connection, social lubrication, ease of meeting women, etc. But it was insanely incongruent with who I wanted to be.
On that day, I had a major identify shift and mindset change: I don't drink alcohol. No longer would I say that I wasn't drinking tonight, or taking it easy, I was going to make a statement about who I was.
Later that week, I was flying from Laguardia to Miami. I typically use a car service called Car24 so my dear old mother doesn't have to drive into NYC. The owner/driver is a guy named Mike.
During the ride to LGA I was talking to the homie Rob back in San Francisco. He's a day 1 friend and we lived & partied together in NYC. I told him about my decision to quit.
As we pulled up to LGC Mike leaned back, looked at me and handed me a small book (the little big book by the founder of AA - Bill). He said: Our meeting isn't a coincidence – I've been sober 28 years – take this, read it and go to AA this week. Call me if you need anything.
So that was enough for me. Two key things:
- I had an identity shift – I don't drink, full stop.
- I'm not religious but the encounter with Mike felt like a sign.
The week of Nov 9th I went to my first AA meeting. I attended weekly for 3-4 months and the main thing I did was listen and take notes to recognize similarities in other people's stories and help reinforce that I needed to stay sober. I no longer go to AA. Mainly because I don't feel the urge, even if I'm at a party or in bars. Maybe this will wear off over time, and if so, I'll get back in the program.
Apologies & Thank Yous 🙏🫂
Getting sober from alcohol has been one of the best decisions I've made. I feel like I'm getting back to who I was meant to be as someone who at one point vowed never to drink. Several people were instrumental in helping me get sober: